The Art of Finding the “Just Right Challenge”
As a pediatric OT, I am always trying to find the balance of pushing my clients to a point where they are challenged while keeping them from feeling defeated. We have a term for this in therapy, we are looking to find a “just right challenge”. Children have such strong intrinsic motivation that when they are presented with a “just right challenge” (not too hard but not too easy) they will practice and practice until they master this challenge. This is a concept that I carry over from therapy sessions into my parenting.
Children are motivated by mastery of a “just right challenge” from infancy. This can be observed babies who are learning to roll, sit, and stand. They will practice these skills little by little until eventually they master it. Once they master the skill, such as walking, they puff their little chest out with pride and repeat the activity over and over again!
Throughout childhood, children are driven by intrinsic motivation resulting in pride in accomplishment when they master challenges such as: learning to read, learning to write, learning sports, developing social skills. Parents understand this concept at a baseline level, for example, we would never put a chapter book in front of a child who doesn’t know their letters and ask them to read it. However, societally, we do have some unrealistic expectations of our children (e.g. sitting still for 6+ hours per day, learning to hold a pencil before they can open containers, I could go on but that is not the point).
My daughter has a box of puzzles that she has loved since she was about 2 years old. She will ask for this box, spread out the puzzles, complete each one, and with a reminder (or five, let’s be real) put them away. She began with 3-4 puzzles and worked up to 7-8 puzzles. She practiced this skill for over a year and at age 3.5 still enjoys this activity. Because she had access to an activity that was a “just right challenge, she was motivated to practice until mastery.
Just Right Challenge + Supportive Environment = Pride Eliciting Intrinsic Motivation
Another example of presenting a child with a “just right challenge” is in the everyday activity of dressing. Let’s imagine you are trying to teach your child how to take off their shirt. You could start by assisting them while they unthread their arms and leave the shirt around the top of their head (above their eyes) like a headband. They will be able to pull it off easily by themselves, put their shirt and the hamper and this will elicit pride in their accomplishment. (This pride is what reinforces the child to practice this skill the next day, so celebrate with them and give them praise!) The next week, you can leave their shirt around their neck, and they can master another reasonable step. If a challenge is too high a child might run from the room, flop on the ground, or start to cry. If this reaction is consistent, consider adjusting the level of the challenge of the activity.
Parents are bombarded with information on how children “should” be performing. As an OT I have to filter the amount of information I know about development to keep my role as a parent separate from my clinical knowledge. I have found that when I become concerned about things such as: my 4-year old’s pencil grasp, or my 3 year old’s potty training regression, or my 2 year old’s tantrums, or the fact that my 4 year old can’t write their name, I lose focus on nurturing my relationship with my children and connecting with them.
I am not encouraging you to ignore your concerns for you children, but simply to find solutions by lowering the bar for your children to give them the chance to succeed. For example, If your 4-year-old can’t hold a pencil, let’s find ways to teach them to write with large sticks, draw lines with side walk chalk, or finger paint. Let’s provide them opportunities to progress with the skills they already have and enjoy watching them learn, even if you are stressed that they are “behind”. They are still learning and if we can step back and honor their pace, they will most likely progress faster. This is how I want to partner with you as a parent coach. It takes practice to break down activities, understand development, and facilitate a “just right challenge” approach.
“There is no better environment for a child to grow than in love and acceptance.”
I do want to mention, that if a child is truly struggling with their sensory processing that can affect their intrinsic motivation and self-esteem. If it seems difficult for your child to try new things and they express that they feel incompetent, please reach find a pediatric Occupational Therapist.
I hope this encourages you to enjoy the phase that your child is in right now. There is no better environment for a child to grow than in love and acceptance. When parents can accept our reality and embrace the steps that are “just the right size” for our child to progress, that is when we start to see growth!